Always Darkest Before the Dawn

Dearest Bleeps:  A belated Merry Christmas, a belated Happy New Year, and belated Happy Boxing Day to my Canadian and British friends.  Also, a belated Humilitation Day, Man Watcher's Day, and National Dress Up Your Pet Day.

Fortunately, we have not yet passed National Kazoo Day, which is January 28th (plenty of time to grab them from Walmart before they are all gone) and National Escape Day on January 30th, so I'll be picking up my nail-file-in-a-bread-loaf kit which I see Walmart also produces, convienently.

I'm still really struggling with, for lack of a better term, Survivor Guilt when it comes to this blog.  There's not question, Busted Plumbing has made my life better.  And I'm a better person when I'm writing it.  I feel more comfortable with myself, know myself better, and feel more connected to a community.  But every time something funny or sad or disgusting or ironic or sweet happens and I automatically think "this is great blog material!", I also realize that 75% now involves Tucker or being a mom.  And of course I have the Bird Flipper to take it to, but I really don't have a community there yet (which would happen if I would just post, so I believe this is a paradox of sorts). 

So... I don't know.

But I'm still here.  And you're still here, to the few who will pop in to see this post.  Thanks. 

It's been a rough couple of months.  I share your frustrations with infertility blogs who then switch and complain how tough it is being a mom.  I'd always be like, seriously?  I'll trade you any day.  So don't worry, this isn't one of those situations.  It's easy being a mom... Tucker rocks the free world.  It's tough doing everything else. 

We moved last month--If I ever discuss moving again, especially two weeks before Christmas, you have permission to publically flog me.  So, of course I get sick.  And Tucker gets sick.  And Adam gets sick.  It was not awesome, let me tell you. 

Then Adam and Tucker got into a car accident; they got rear-ended on the freeway.  They are both fine, thank goodness.  But that is a phone call I never want to get again. 

And now I'm sick.  Again.  Sigh.

But, even with all the craziness of this past month, I still have my amazing little man to enjoy and snuggle and love.  So really, what's there to complain about? 

I spent a lot of time thinking about you Bleeps over the holidays.  I know what a really hard time of year it is, and no matter how tough it was for the Infertiles out there, you made it through.  You're still standing.  And that counts for something.

I also wanted to give you a happy thought... I was thinking often about how different the past few Christmases have been.  In 2010, I had just had Tucker.  BUT!  In 2009, I wasn't pregnant and was dealing with my 5th Christmas as an Infertile.  And there was no end in sight, no reason to hope that the next year would be any different.

In 2009, I faced another Infertile Christmas.  And in 2010, I had my son.

So, dear Bleeps... if you braved these holidays with a broken heart and a (perhaps sloppy drunk) smile on your face, take heart.  The Universe is a fickle place, and your luck could turn on a dime.  And perhaps next year you'll be thinking back to these holidays as unknowingly the last you spend without a baby. 

Bottom line, don't give up hope.

I saw a video this morning that prompted (finally) this much belated holidays post.  In the past, I've like to post videos of songs that encourage me to press on.  My favorites have been "I'm Still Standing" by Elton John and "I've Got My Mind Set On You" by George Harrison.  This song seems like a good new-year song... we shake off all the muck from 2011 and press on to 2012.  Whether it be infertility, bad habits, or just plain bad luck.

So, let's shake it out together Bleeps.  It's always darkest before the dawn.