Part Two from Yesterday's Post: Some Tough Love (Sorry)

Wow, I'm thrilled at the positive feedback yesterday's post got.  I loved reading the comments, and I was nodding my head "yes" all the way down the line.  I just wanted to highlight someone of the great comments I got, and then I'll get to the one that spawned this follow-up post.  (If you haven't read yesterday's post yet, check it out here first.)

Sarah said "keep in mind, even those sneaky silent ones are thinking of you too and just don't know how to break the news".  Quite true Sarah, and I know it's hard.  I can't imagine the conflict a preggo must feel, knowing that the best news in the world to you might be the worst news in the world to someone you care about. 

Libby said "I hate it when people are afraid to tell me, especially if they were having struggles too. It just makes me feel pitied, or like a horrible person."  Agreed, Libby.  That was actually a point I wanted to make and forgot to get around to.  

And finally, Shell said "When I was pregnant last time, I had a hard time telling a friend of mine who can't have any more kids that I was pregnant. I did go the straightforward route, but she still didn't talk to me for weeks, though I heard through the grapevine all the things that she was saying about me. It was hard on this side, too."  This especially stuck in my craw, and inspired today's post. 

I believe there is a two-part contract going on here between the Preggos and Infertiles.  It is a kind gesture when a Preggo bites the awkward-moment bullet and spills the beans (hopefully privately and early on).  She knows its going to be hard, but she is really thinking of your feelings and wants to support you.  This is also the type of friend who will try to be thoughtful towards you throughout her pregnancy... probably giving you a guilt-free pass at not attending her shower, etc.  It's her special time and she's being thoughtful towards you, and in my opinion that's going above and beyond.  You can't ask for much more. 

Here's your end of the contract, Infertile.  To the best of your ability, put on a happy face.  By all means, cry to your husband or partner, vent on TTC Happy Hour, lament on your blog or to a mutual friend who understands.  But when Preggo is around, put a sock in it (I say lovingly, dear Bleep).  I think of that scene in Nine Months (back before Hugh Grant was skeevy, that movie he did with Julianne Moore), where Joan Cusak is saying in the delivery room "This is my moment! This is my miracle!"  Whether it took her five years or a "whoops!" to conceive, every woman is entitled to joy in their motherhood journey.  Because, by order of the Golden Rule, I want the same if I get preggo (when--when I am preggo, I'm trying to remember to "Secret" everything. WHEN I win the lottery.  WHEN Neil Patrick Harris is my BFF.  WHEN they make "Twilight" porn... oh wait, I secreted that one into reality already!! Thanks Lauren ;-)

I appreciate Niki reminding me of a previous post, where I was struggling with feelings related to a dear friend who conceived quickly.  I felt horribly guilty that something so wonderful, that had happened to someone I loved, was making me sad.  I had been TTC (trying to conceive) for years and she got lucky on her first month, but I loved her and wanted to be happy for her.  And I was, very happy.  But also sad for myself.  And a relative of hers (who had also struggled with infertility), said to me "You have to remember, she didn't take the last baby on the shelf".  No one had taken cuts in line.  You're friend didn't snatch your opportunity away. 

So, let's just use a scientific term about the situation: it sucks.  It's tough.  It's complicated.  But beating your friend down (or passive aggressively guilt-tripping) about her decision (or her "whoops") isn't going to make you conceive any faster, I promise it won't make you feel better, and you'll probably lose a good friend in the process.  Let's follow some other age-old advice, if you don't have something nice to say, don't say anything at all.  And if your friend was so kind as thoughtfully fill you in privately and early-on about her pregnancy, I'm sure she'll be equally understanding if you need to make some modifications to your relationship while she bloats up like a whale (another thing to keep in mind while you're trying not to be jealous).

Just communicate.  "Hey, I'm sorry I have to ask and this is definitely through no fault of yours, but would you mind if we kept our lunches/happy hour/Saturday morning walks, etc to talking about things non-baby related?  It's just still hard for me.  I am happy for you, and I want to be supportive.  I hope you understand it's got nothing to do with you, I'm just trying to keep my mind off of it." 

Shell's story makes me a little heartsick.  Shell, I really appreciate that you took the time to tell your friend compassionately.  I know it doesn't make a hoots difference now, but it seems like her behavior was just a reflection of frustration and hurt about her own situation.  Your decision had nothing to do with her, it was about you and what made sense for your life.  But nonetheless, I'm sorry.  That sucked.

Infertiles, I've had many years experience at putting on a happy face.  I definitely went home after many a baby shower, cried and whipped out the tequila.  For me though, it was a "fake it till you make it" situation, because after enough practice I could actually just be happy, without the asterisk at the end of every "I'm so happy for you" (*except you being preggo only reminds me of my own inadequacy).  I'd just remind myself that that's not my baby.  My baby is coming.  Just not yet.  And then I'd still whip out the tequila... not to drown my tears, but to celebrate that I could have a margarita and some poor preggo couldn't.... sucker!  (Of course there are still tears and break-downs, I'm human. But it's manageable.)

Honor your part of the contract.  Communicate your needs (kindly and gently), and then, as we say in the west, cowboy up.  Suck it up, bite your lip, go roll your eyes in the bathroom.  Be tough, and then be a good friend.  You'll need her if (WHEN! WHEN!) you get preggo, and needing someone to talk with.  She didn't take the last baby on the shelf.

PS: Jewls said "Totally agreed. After we found out we'd been chosen to adopt I posted it all over facebook just because I was so excited it was finally our turn to be excited about a little one!"  I just wanted to say CONGRATULATIONS!!  You should shout that that happy news from the rooftops! 

PPS:  Another side point, for all the crap I talk about pregnancy postings on Facebook, I want it known that I fully intend to do this myself if (WHEN!) I get preggo.  I think it's a right of passage in today's social media, and I don't want to miss out on that fun.  However, of course I will follow my own rules of letting my dear Infertiles know first (thus giving them a chance to "Hide" me for nine months).