Katie Says "Put A Sock In It": ("Relax" Advice Drives Infertiles Crazy)

This post was originally titled: "Frankie Says "Relax". I Reply (Snarkily) "I'm Trying to Relax But It's Not As Easy As It Looks and Relaxing Doesn't Solve All Infertility Problems Anyways So Keep Your Advice To Your Damn Self!"  But even for someone who loves long titles, that was still a bit much.  Hopefully you get my reference to the timeless 80's hit, and one of my childhood rock-out songs. 

Yes, this is yet another post by us Infertiles kindly requesting everyone on the planet to KEEP YOUR #@$(&* RELAXATION ADVICE TO YOURSELF!!! 

Ah hem.  HELLO Femara!  What I meant to say, is please refrain from suggesting we just "relax" and stop worrying.

As you probably know by now, my process is to get an idea and jot it down in the drafts.  I might work on a diatribe soapbox Femara related-confession topic for weeks, or I might get a wild hair and pound it out in a day.  Usually the best posts are ones that have sort of a rising tide, where other Infertiles are post thoughts on a similar subject.  Not two days after I put this post in my drafts did I come across Jen's post at After the Altar, which was great and literally took the words right out of my mouth.  Fortunately there are always more words in my mouth, so I will add my own two cents.  But please go check out Jen's post, it really sums our feelings up nicely.

Even this morning, the topic came up.  I hit Baby Making Machine's Tuesday morning webcast on Mom TV (if you are a mommy, or if you just like things that are awesome, check it out), because Jenn rocks and she is a super cute little preggo.  Another woman on the chat (helpfully, if not insensitively) instantly asked if I would like to know what worked for her.  My response:

"Of course, as long as it's not relax"

Guess what her suggestion was?  This is pretty anticlimactic.  "Throw away the calendar, drink a few margaritas, and forget about it!" 

Because I love Jenn and would not like to start a Femara-induced rage on her lovely webcast, I responded "That's great, I'm so glad that worked for you" Now can I have your address so that I can swing by and glue your car doors shut.  She only wanted to help, I get it.  But only Fertiles (and the people who don't know an Infertile) who conceive within, oh say, a year or two, really believe that this is a viable suggestion. 

I'm not discounting the power of stress-reduction and its positive correlation to fertility.  Quite the contrary.  I've become a true believer (due in no small part to Circle+Bloom's program, but that is a post coming soon!).  Month's where I can relax and be zen are the months I ovulate.  No amount of fertility drugs can force my body to get that Big O (not THAT Big O, the other Big O, although I'm a fan of the first one too. Sorry Dad) if I'm a bundle of nerves.  So my point here isn't that the advice isn't sound.

It's just that we've heard it.  About a million times.  From everyone.  Every last, stinking, person who even remotely knows we might be TTC (trying to conceive) whips out this advice like it's absolutely gold and we should name our future child after them because otherwise we would have never thought of it and we owe our fertility entirely to this very helpful and wise person.   

Here's why it burns me.  Relaxation is something more or less entirely within my control.  And in the five years I've been TTC (amidst four miscarriages), if you honestly truly believe that relaxation really is my problem, then I've completely ruined my life for something that I could have changed five years ago, or you're the most dense, insensitive person on the planet. 

Of course I don't think that about the individual person whose told me to "relax and it will happen", they are just trying to be helpful.  Because maybe, after FIVE FLIPPIN' YEARS, THOUSANDS IN FERTILITY TREATMENT, GOD KNOWS HOW MUCH CLOMID AND FEMARA, DOZENS OF ULTRASOUNDS, ACUPUNCTURE, CHIROPRACTOR, HERBAL REMEDIES, DIET, EXERCISE, AND EVER VOODOO DANCE I CAN FIND ON YOUTUBE... all I really needed to do is relax!  DUH! 

(I swear, I really am feeling better this month.  I like to blame Femara, but in reality I just think it's fun to write in all caps.  If you know me in real life, I am an expressive talker!)

This insults my intelligence.  EVERY Infertile, if they've been trying long enough, has gone the "relax and forget about it route" at some point.  And I know a LOT of women it's worked for.  My friend Natalie is due any minute, based on going that route, so I can attest that it does work.  But the longer you try, the more difficult it becomes to go down that route.  Not the relaxation part, that should always be part of your plan, but the "forget about it" part.  Especially if you are seeing a RE (Reproductive Endocrinologist), he/she may insist you NOT forget about it... like "baby dancing" (BD: the preferred term by the infertiles. I prefer "bone down") on the correct days, taking home ovulation predictors (OPKs), fertility drugs, "riding the stirrups" (those things you have to put your feet into when the Doc examines your cooter), etc. 

It's pretty hard to ignore all that stuff.  And furthermore, saying "just relax" I think ultimately minimizes the both the medical and emotional impact that someone with a serious condition experiences.  On top of my PCOS, which will not be cured by "forgetting about it", I have recurrent miscarriage.  When I told that to the woman on the chat room this morning, she said "Oh, I'm sorry".  She didn't know... but I think she should have taken the route of assuming that whomever she was speaking with (especially after it was identified that I had been TTC for five years), that she shouldn't be quick to offer advice without first asking where I was at and what my medical issues are.  I would have preferred not to be Debbie-Downer in Jenn's chat room by bringing up the miscarriage, but I also wanted the woman to think twice about being so nonchalant in her flippant recommendations. 

After all my incessant babbling, here's my bottom line.  Hopefully I can speak on behalf of all exasperated Infertiles everywhere when I say telling us to relax doesn't help.  It's making a hurtful assumption.  Its like telling someone who has cancer, "Well have you tried chemotherapy?" like its the easiest and most clear option that you must not have thought of because you still have cancer.

If you want to be helpful, be kind.  "I'm so sorry to hear that.  I know you'd make an excellent mother.  I'll keep you in my thoughts/prayers/Incan ritual sacrifice requests."  That's it.  If you're especially nosy, ask questions.  Have you tried acupuncture?  Have you seen a fertility specialist?  Don't presume that the person clearly must not have already done what you are suggesting because they aren't pregnant. 

Now if you're a fellow Infertile success story, you've got a little more ground here... but a fellow Infertile knows well enough to wait and be asked for what they did.  I've never heard Natalie say "Oh you should just do exactly what I did because I know it will work for you too", because Natalie understands that everyone is different and what worked for her won't work for someone else.  But when someone asks her, she's very generous with sharing her story and what worked for her.  I've appreciated that she tells it as her story.

Fortunately Jenn is another smart cookie, and when she saw my somewhat playful response of "...as long as it's not relax", she jumped to my rescue and said "Yeah even in my time trying that drove me crazy".  (Thanks Jenn!) 

Now, who wants to take bets on if I'll lose my shit completely next time someone says "just relax!"?  After five years, I can mostly smile and say "I'm so glad that's worked for YOU" and sometimes I'll slip in "...must be nice."  Other times, if the person is particularly flippant or insensitive, I'll try embarrass them a little by saying "Unfortunately relaxation doesn't fix four miscarriages and years of fertility treatment, but bless your heart for suggesting."  But one of these days, I swear... God give me patience...

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