An arrow into every Infertile's heart...
A week or two ago during a TTC Happy Hour, us ladies were discussing the pain of finding out a friend is pregnant versus the frustration that the friend did not tell you (or was afraid to tell you, and then you found out through the grapevine). This is a tricky one, because for the most part, folks don't want to tell us Infertiles that they are preggo out of concern for our feelings. It's an act of compassion, and I'll try to approach it as such.
I know many preggos will try to wait to tell us. Wait for the time to be right, wait for us to magically be pregnant too, or just plain 'ol wait out just trying to avoid an uncomfortable conversation. And maybe this isn't a bad plan, if the preggo isn't around the Infertile all that often. Because, why would you want to deprive us of that fantastic moment when you send out your Christmas cards that doubles as a birth announcement, when we didn't even know you were pregnant?
Of course, that's not half as fun as when we see the ultrasound picture posted on Facebook, often coupled with an announcement of "It's a Boy!", "It's a Girl!", or "It's a Jamie Lee Curtis!"
There I go again, whipping out the Snark. Casual acquaintances, cousins who live far away, and re-connected friends from middle school are off the hook here. Yes, it hurts to see that ultrasound photo surprise, but that's my problem and not yours. This is your special moment and you should be able to share it with everyone however you'd like. But let me caution you--if you have a friend who is an Infertile, and you're telling close family and friends, please find a way to tell your Infertile too.
Because guess what? The gig will be up at some point. No one gains 35 lbs exclusively in their stomach. Except for many that tiny Japanese guy who does all those competitive hot dog-eating contests. That guy is amazing! Have you seen him go? And he's so frickin skinny, how does he pull it off? It's not like he looks like he works out; that guy is all skin and bones. But I digress...
Guess what else? If we can't tell by your maternity pants and adorable pregnancy glow, someone else will spill the beans on your behalf. And as much as a friend's pregnancy may give us little pangs, finding out about the pregnancy second or third-hand hurts twice as bad.
The best way, in my humble opinion, is the direct way. I have a perfect example too. This past summer a dear, very-long time friend (Mike) got married to a wonderful woman, and they were blessed to conceive shortly thereafter. Mike (who presently is a teacher in Russia, he lives a wonderfully adventurous life!) emailed to let me know that his Mrs. is expecting. He knew that we were struggling with infertility, and he wanted to let us know he wanted us to hear the news from him, that he was thinking of us, and he wanted to do anything he could to be there for Adam and me. It was some of the most joyous news he'd ever get to experience in his lifetime, and he had every right to shout it from the rooftops. But he thought of me and Adam during this special time, and it meant the world to me. I'll never forget it.
Every Infertile is at a different place in their journey, and so a Preggo should be prepared for tears (or maybe chair throwing, but that's probably reserved until after you leave). Don't feel bad, we aren't upset with you. And even if there are tears, please know we are still really happy for you. Bottom line, you are our friend and we want to share your joys. Telling us privately and early on allows us time to process our feelings (an especially important step before we see the big belly), and then we are able (hopefully) to publicly celebrate right along side of you.
And don't begrudge us the chair throwing. It's exercise, and keep our husbands on their toes.
PS: To my fellow BlogHer Sisters, welcome! I'm thrilled I'm on the sidebar today, so I added this little extra bit down here just for you. If you liked this post, please note I have a follow-up one I did for the other side of the coin, and that's here. If you'd like to read about why I started this here blog, you can check that out here. And if you'd just like a laugh, or would like to find out why I'm such a Chuck Norris fan, please go here. Thanks for stopping by! While you're here, I hope you'll consider following me... because a) I like to make new friends, b) I'll follow you back, and c) aliens will invade if I don't get 300 followers by March 2. Hey, I'm not happy about it either but I didn't make the rules.
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35 Folks Who Are Awesome:
I agree - direct is always best. You can still show respect and be direct. :)
AMEN. It's hard enough to hear that your 17-year-old cousin is pregnant...but when one of your own BRIDESMAIDS doesn't tell you she's expecting and you hear from someone else (months later) who thinks YOU'RE planning the SHOWER? Yeah. I'm definitely throwing a few chairs.
I wish that everybody in the world could see this. When we were trying to conceive, it was so painful to hear about pregnancies (especially, in my less-kind moments, those that "didn't deserve" to have babies.)
Yet, a kind, thoughtful response like Mike's made all the difference.
Very well said. I think I should email this post to certain friends of mine....
I've been thinking that if I get pregnant again, I want to see how long it takes for someone to have the guts to ask me if I am. And then act shocked that they would think I could possibly be pregnant before letting them off the hook. Okay. Maybe not.
Seriously, thanks for the heartfelt advice. I love that your friend was thinking of you! Keep in mind, even those sneaky silent ones are thinking of you too and just don't know how to break the news.
That was well said..!I know a few who would benefit from this..!
I really appreciate you writing this. When I was pregnant last time, I had a hard time telling a friend of mine who can't have any more kids that I was pregnant. I did go the straightforward route, but she still didn't talk to me for weeks, though I heard through the grapevine all the things that she was saying about me. It was hard on this side, too.
Very well said. Though I haven't really dealt with this first hand because no one really knows of our situation. I still think there are many, many people who need to read this.
I would agree with that. I think you should be told early on and not find out as a surprise. The motive for people not telling you may be out of concern, but the end result is worse. I hope people learn from your post!
I hate it when people are afraid to tell me, especially if they were having struggles too. It just makes me feel pitied, or like a horrible person.
Very well written - I think I felt horrible when my sister announced she was expecting #2 and I burst into tears. What kind of sister am I? Thankfully she understood and I am happy for her - just bummed it's not me.
Totally agreed. After we found out we'd been chosen to adopt I posted it all over facebook just because I was so excited it was finally our turn to be excited about a little one!
Thank you for posting this, I think it sums up a lot of our feelings and it is helpful to those around us who get pregnant and are afraid to speak up. I can see how it's hard on both sides. I wouldn't want to be in the Fertiles shoes during that time either. However, do we hold back saying were engaged because we have single friends or know someone going through a breakup or divorce? I think not. It's a momentous occassion in life and we want to know and share in it. It's not what you say, it's how you say it.
"Every Infertile is at a different place in their journey, and so a Preggo should be prepared for tears (or maybe chair throwing, but thats probably reserved until after you leave). Don't feel bad, we aren't upset with you. And even if there are tears, please know we are still really happy for you."
When my sister called me, at work, to tell me first (even before our mother!) that she was pregnant, I couldn't even speak before I was just sobbing. I felt awful, here she was sharing her amazing news, and I was crying tears of not-joy. She understood, she said she wanted to tell me first, before I could hear it from someone else. It was so nice of her to think of me and how I would feel. This is a great post.
I love that you wrote this post! I was/am so sensitive about pregnancy announcements but also agree that it is better to hear it straight from the source. I hated discovering a couple friend of ours tiptoeing around me because they were afraid to tell me... Worse than Finding out the fact that it had been a "mistake"!
I agree 100%! Hearing it in front of a huge group of people is the worst. Most of my friends have learned this by now, but it isn't without trial and error. It isn't that we aren't happy for you, we just need a few extra minutes to remind ourselves (as I have stolen from you earlier) that "she didn't take the last baby on the planet" and "that they didn't take our chance of getting pregnant" away.
I think sometimes these people think that because we are in a crowd, we will act civilly (which isn't always true!), but I would much rather be told in private and under the circumstances like Mike gave you.
Sarah, well said. Despite my snark, I really do realize that it is someone else's special moment and I never begrudge them not filling me in. It's a nice plus, but not doing so has nothing so do with me and everything to do with it being their special time. After 5 years, I hardly even blink anymore! It's a pleasant surprise when someone does, and if they forget then its because they've got Pregnancy Brain (which is pretty darn good excuse!).
Shell, I am so sad to hear of your experience. I think I need to do a Part Two, with some tough love to the Infertiles "Its not a conspiracy to ruin your life if your BFF gets preggo before you". Some ladies don't handle it well, and its unfortunate because you might lose a good friend over something that should be the happiest experience of your life! Ok, its set... part two tomorrow.
Yeayyy! :)
You are awesome, so true, so very true... My sister and i started 'trying' at the same time and as soon as she had an incling she told me, then the second she got the confirmation from the doctor she called me... and yes, secretly i cried, i cried so hard... but in the end, i was ok, and i was happy for her, and we got to experience the whole thing together, even the birth... and its funny, even knowing that i may never have children - except that inital sadness, i was happy for her the whole way, and i think that was largly due to the fact that she never left me out, and always made sure that i was ok... and yes because she told me right from the start and because there was no second hand information!
You are so good to write this... i think it is good for other people to know how we feel.
What a great post. Since we started trying EVERY single married couple that is close to us has gotten pregnant. Only very few know about our stuggle, but the announcments have been VERY hard.
I had a very similar email from a friend (as yours from Mike)and I was very greatful that my friend understood that although I was and am happy for her, that it would also be difficult for me. She told me first right after her husband because she felt like she owed it to me. She didn't, but it was so sweet of her to think that way.
My sister was so good about telling me before she told anyone else in the family. Of course I was upset that it wasn't me but truly thankful that she thought about me and my feelings!
This post should be shared with everyone!
Whomever is exposed to the LEAST amount of ultrasounds and newborn photos in a week buys everyone else's drinks on Friday...
I think this is a wonderful piece of advice. I've been on both sides of this. I got pregnant twice while my sister was trying to conceive her second. It was hard to tell her b/c I wasn't sure how she'd take it but she took it amazingly well (at least to me.)
I've also been ttc another baby for a few years and have had a few miscarriages while a few close friends and family members have had babies and I'm sure it was hard for them to tell me they were expecting but I found I was geniunely excited for them.
Chair throwing, or locking ones self in the bathroom at work ahving a mental break down when your bff/coworker breaks their BFP news when the used the pee stick YOU Gave them...just sayin'.
OH OHHHHH My FAVORITE Way to find out news WAS via facebook update. In fact it was my brothers girlfriend!! OH OH and here's the kicker...did I mention They had JUST had a baby last January an not she is due again in February. HAHA THAT was a kick in the ovaries!
This is a good post. I was in this situation once. A friend and I were both trying to get pregnant at the same time...after about a year, I finally did and she still hadn't. It was so hard...I was so excited and sad and didn't know what to say. I ended up just outright telling her and of course, she took it with grace, but I know it hurt.
Like someone else said...this post should be shared with everyone who might be in this situation. It's good advice.
This post is right on. One thing I'd add is that even if you fertiles do take special time to tell an infertile friend about your pregnancy, that doesn't mean you can just forget about the situation. Just two weeks ago, I had a friend e-mail me to tell me she was pregnant. She did everything right: Told me she thought I was a close enough friend to tell me before other people, said she didn't want me to find out on FB or her blog, etc. I was so appreciative, and I wrote her back saying as much. In fact, after telling her how happy I was for her, I poured my heart out — explaining more about my situation than she'd known before. I heard NOTHING back. Maybe I overdid it, I don't know. It's probably somehow my fault, but I can't help but feel a bit hurt that I put my feelings out there and got nothing in return.
That's a tough one and I'm glad you addressed it. I imagine it's hard to hear, but even harder to hear it from someone else.
P.S. How did JLC go from Trading Places and a A Fish Called Wanda to Activia commercials?
I would also add to this. Tell us by email. Just so it gives us a bit of time to absorb the news and respond appropriately.
It isn't that we aren't happy for the pregnant one but we need a moment to grieve for ourself. When my sister told me she was pregnant I gave her a hug which dissolved into me weeping on her shoulder, none needs to see that!
I love that you share your amazing strength with the rest of us that have experienced infertility (or continue to live with it). Your light shine so brightly Kate!
Thank you for this post!! Especially facebook...nothing worse then seeing an ultrasound as your pregnancy announcement, but when I stop and think about it...out the 200+ people on my facebook "friends" list, how many do I really interact with on a regular basis? Quite a small number so somehow its like a sting when you hear another is pregnant...especially you are not as close to because its like why them and not me? Maybe I am just throwing a pity party for myself right about now...argh!
It is hard on both sides I think. My sister had a full hysterectomy at 33 this past year. She had been to every specialist possible. Multiple procedures to try and get pregnant. Multiple surgeries to remove endomitriosis. When you are newly pregnant and full of joy, you just cannot find the words to comfort someone who has experienced what she has gone through. Trying to downplay your happiness seems disingenuous and sharing your happiness just seems cruel. This is a tough one Kate.
Thanks for the post. Although it no longer applies to me, I'll pass on the info if I know about others in similar situations.
Good post! I like your outlook on this. I would not be considered an infertile (since I didn't get pregnant and had a m/c) but we are currently struggling w/ getting pregnant and I too feel the pain when someone announces pregnancy. As a matter of fact my best friend is 13 weeks preggers. She got pregnant 4 months after her wedding on her first shot. I was sad when she told me she was worried about telling me...but I think you put it right. they have every right to be happy and share! I know I will want to share when it's my turn. Good outlook!
I totally agree - direct is best and it does help to know that there is still some compassion there. Had a friend who leaned on me heavily through her first IVF and then didn't bother to tell me she was pregnant.
PS. Just stumbled across your blog & have been thinking about this exact thing a LOT lately.
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