Mixed Feelings (A Husband's Perspective)

It recently came up in a conversation how I feel when I hold a baby or spend time with toddlers. And it made me remember a story about me when I was an infant.

My dad spent 20 years in the military, which meant that we moved about every 3 years. When I was born we moved from Guam (yes I am "Guamanian") to New York.  After moving, my parents took the family to visit some married friends of theirs that lived nearby.  My mom said their friends had been trying to have a baby for a while, but were unable.   The thing my mom remembers most about that visit was that while the husband was holding me he looked up and said, “I want one.”

Now when I was a teenager I was touched by the story, but I didn’t understand the real emotion this provoked.  It did however leave an impression on me.

Obviously now I am in a completely different place in my life, as I am now where he was. Recently a close couple of ours was blessed with a bouncing baby boy.  It was a wonderful day for them.  So Kate and I go to the hospital with milkshakes in hand.  I mean our friend just pushed a baby the size of a large squash out a hole the size of a lemon.  Wouldn’t you want a milkshake?  (She wasn’t allowed alcohol, so a milkshake had to do.)

Anyway back to the story, I was asked, “Do you want to hold him?”  The flood of emotion that came over me was huge.  Especially because Kate and I had just found out that Kate's pregnancy was not viable and that she would miscarry.  But yet, I still held him.  I held the little guy and he was adorable. So small, so helpless and everything in the world that mattered to him was sleeping.  Simply precious.

A wave of joy came over me. I mean how can you hold a new born baby and not feel happy?  I think it is impossible.  That joy is what my parents friends must have felt when holding me.  (And I mean this in the most non-self absorbed way as possible, even though I am awesome!)

However, the joy that I felt was quickly replaced by an overwhelming feeling of sadness.  Sadness to a point that I almost started to cry.  And then the statement comes to my head, “I want one.”  Boy or girl, I don’t care.   I just want one.  I didn’t say it out loud because I didn’t want the joy in the room to be replaced with my sadness.  So, I looked up and smiled . I looked over at Kate and she gave me a fake smile.  I could tell that she was also struggling. Seeing me hold a baby was tearing at her. She kept it together very well, but when we left we put our arms around each other as we walked to the car.

This is how I feel almost every time I hold my nephew or niece or my friends kids. Don’t get me wrong, the joy that is felt is much stronger than the sadness, but the sadness is still there.

I want one…