The Clomid-Induced Rage Defense: Coming to a Court Near You

Author's Note: I'm a little sleepy (and quite possibly slap-happy) today. Be prepared for some ADD action coming your way, most likely accompanied by terrible jokes. Apologies in advance.

Author's Note Part 2: I'm not a doctor, nor do I play one on TV. Anyone could probably guess I don't know what the heck I'm talking about in any sort of medical arena. This post is only based on my own experience. What else are you supposed to say in this sort of don't-sue-me type caveats? All stunts performed by a professional on a closed course. Don't try this at home, especially if you still want to have a husband at the end of the day.

I see a lot of my fellow TTC (trying to conceive) Tweeps (Twitter People) talking about SE (side effects) of TC (taking Clomid). Also, I would LTA (like to announce) that I am ATA (addicted to acronyms). Ok, maybe not, but the fertility community is. I promise you, dear reader, that I will always trying to spell things out!

Clomid, clomid, clomid... A staple of fertility treatment since 490 BC when, facing the Battle of Thermopylae and likely obliteration by Demi-God Xerxes, King Leonidas ordered women of child-bearing age to consume Clomid (well, the generic brand, because even insurance companies back then were greedy a-holes) and procreate as abundantly as possible.

What is that you say? That the FDA only approved Clomid in 1967? That doesn't sound right... will you accept Wikipedia as reference? Ok, hold on...

Well, it appears you've won this battle. Know-it-all.

Nonetheless, if you have had any kind of female fertility problem there is a good chance that your doctor has chucked some Clomid at you. It's relatively cheap when compared to other fertility methods, you don't have to go see a Reproductive Endocrinologist (aka fertility specialist) to start it--my regular OB hooked me up with my first round, and most importantly for a lot of women it really works... with "minimal" side effects.

Minimal is pretty vague. I read through several (reputable) medical websites to see how they described the side effects of Clomid. The common symptoms listed include: upset stomach, pelvic pain, bloating, and "hot flashes" (and let me tell you, that last one is a fun little peek at what we can look forward to when menopause comes knocking). None of those sound too bad, and certainly it would be worth it if you get a kid out of it. There is a bunch of much more serious, less common side effects that if you are really curious you can check out on WebMD (the go-to source for hypochondriacs everywhere).

But almost none of these sites talk about one BIG issue surrounding Clomid. Only WebMD hit on it, and they referred to it as "mental/mood changes". That's adorable. But somehow it doesn't quite seem to get the full "flavor" of this Clomid side effect. I prefer to describe it as "universe-bending, mind-combusting, space-time continuum warp-inducing, unadulterated Clomid-induced RAGE". Now, does that give the lay person a better idea about what we are dealing with here?

I think my first Clomid experience was about three years ago, when we first really started to get into the issues of why I was having trouble conceiving. We knew by then from ultrasounds that I had PCOS (Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome), and that I didn't ovulate-which as it turns out is pretty important to this process. The Doc started me out on 50 mgs for five days.

Let me now draw creative reference to Saturday Night Live (one of my all-time favorite shows and one that I have watched loyally since being a pre-teen). Do you recall the Annuale birth control "commercial" skit? I'm going to try and embed this, let’s see if it works...



I love this, mainly because I think it originally aired not too long after my first round of Clomid. Adam and I sat on the sofa watching it, and he looked at me, and then looked at the TV, and then looked at me and said "yeah that’s about right". And you know what? I'm not even going to defend myself.  I know that the skit is referencing birth control and PMS, and I was actually trying to get pregnant, but all that comes from the same hormonal place, right?

A couple days into the Clomid, and I was imagining some magical process taking place deep within my womb... like a flower finally opening its delicate bud to its first sunlight and fresh morning dew. But I was wrong. Oh it was a magical process alright, but it was more like changing into a mythical fire-breathing dragon. As Tina Fey said, my husband should have gone out, bought a hat, and held the F on.

I don't know what came over me. One moment I was normal Kate, and the next moment I was screaming at Adam over pillowcases! I can't even remember now what it was about the pillowcases that set me off, but at that moment it was the most infuriating thing that had ever happened to me. I screamed, I threw stuff, I stomped my feet. Adam participated in this tirade for a few minutes, but I think it finally occurred to him that something was off. He said in complete exasperation, "Why on Earth are you so angry over a pillowcase?" to which I responded "I DON'T KNOW BUT I AM!!!"

Even at that moment of total meltdown, I still consciously recognized that I sounded completely ridiculous--yet I could not stop myself. Wait, strike that. I didn’t WANT to stop myself. If it was even remotely within my primordial human DNA to convert into Maleficent at the end of Sleeping Beauty, I would have found a way to become that giant purple dragon. And that's more or less how the next two weeks went for me (and Adam, poor guy).

Of course, all that anger was for naught as I didn't ovulate that month, or the two cycles of Clomid following that one.

By the next round of Clomid, I at least had a heads up as to what was coming. I warned Adam, family and friends that over the next few weeks I may or may not:

-Spontaneously combust,
-Cause someone else to spontaneously combust,
-Throw a chair through a window, or
-Start a bar fight... at the Olive Garden.

At least people knew what to expect. Fortunately, the anger dissipated each following month on the Clomid till the third month when I would only half-heartedly kick Adam in the shin for not doing the dishes. However, since I still wasn't ovulating it meant that the dose needed to be increased.

Enter 100mg of Clomid. I think Adam should probably do a post on what happened during this phase, since I blacked out and lost about 29 days in there somewhere, and ended up with outstanding warrants in Texas, Alaska, New Jersey, and Haiti. But seriously, I wonder how on earth I was ever going to conceive while using this stuff because even if I DID ovulate, I'd still have to convince my husband to have sex with me after I braided him for half an hour on racing stripes (in the immortal words of Bill Engvall "OH MY GOD, did you hit a DEER?").

But somehow Adam recognized that I wasn't quite myself, and still managed to forgive me and sleep with me. I got knocked up for the first time on my fourth month of Clomid. Of course, if you've been reading you know that one didn't stick (nor any other one to date). But still... after the heartbreak of that loss, and somehow managing to move on, I still recognized the value that I could get pregnant. I wanted to sing it from the mountaintops... MY HUSBAND'S BOYS CAN SWIM! AND MY PLUMBING IS STILL BUSTED BUT AT LEAST I CAN GET KNOCKED UP. Those poor mountain residents, listening to some crazy lady run naked through their backyards. Never you mind about how I got naked.

So, for all the anger, tantrums, and threats of immediate deathly bodily harm, Clomid did its job. And it did its job three more times after that--every pregnancy I've had has been through the help of Clomid. It's not Clomid fault they didn't stick. But, if they do "up" my Clomid again in the future (I'm currently at 150 mgs for seven days) and in a hormonal rage actually DO end up gluing someone's car doors shut for reals this time... you will see my name in legal history as the first woman to (successfully) use the "Clomid made me do it" defense.